I came over a couple of jokes I would like to share with the rest of you. The first one is about beer and the second one about a Irish prostitute. Well, here they are:

Ahhh Guinness

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: “In ‘Strylya, we make The best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate.”

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: “In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud.”

Hans steps up next: “In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke.”

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: “Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks.”

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over Their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?”

Paddy replies “Well, if you fookin’ pansies aren’t drinkin’, then neither am!

Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Dad….I became a prostitute.”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…. (takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

Interrupting her, the Dad asks, “Now what was it ye said ye had become?”

The daughter, crying again,….”A prostitute, Dad!” Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! BeJesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!”

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of Coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an Atomic Bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my.)

A pig‘s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the…?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life… quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species known to have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

This one is circulating on the web, so I thought it would be nice to add it to my site as well. To see pictures of the other two kittens in question … read the whole post.

To all my dearest friends,

I need some help.

My cousin’s cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can’t take one because my son is allergic but if three of you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. Since he lives up by the Lake Robinson Nuclear Power Plant, I’ll go pick them up for you.

I’ve attached pictures of the last 3 kittens.

Will you help?