For a long time everyone thought Pattaya began and ended with the walking strip, which is nothing but one bar after the other jostling for space. But over the years this destination has been cleaning up its act and adding other attractions to its portfolio. Nestled along a picturesque bay on the East Coast of the Gulf of Thailand, Pattaya is roughly 170 kilometers southeast of Bangkok and worth a visit.

The city was first “discovered” by expatriates from Bangkok desperate for a weekend break and American GIs on leave during the Vietnam war in the ’60s. Pattaya’s natural bay and the long, sandy beach to the south known as Jomtien was the main attraction. Before the arrival of these holidaymakers, for centuries, Pattaya was a small fishing village almost cut off from the outside world. But on 29 April 1961 the first group of about 100 American servicemen who arrived in Pattaya for relaxation and changed everything.

Soon, sleepy Pattaya was to become Thailand’s premier beach destination and the entertainment capital of Thailand attracting tourists by the planeload. According to some estimates the resort town welcomes five million tourists a year.

Historically speaking, the name of this city owes its origins to the march of Phraya Tak (King Taksin the Great) from Ayutthaya to Chantaburi just before the fall of Ayutthaya to the Burmese in 1767. When Phraya Tak’s army arrived in what is Pattaya today, he encountered the troops of Nai Klom (a local ruler) who tried to intercept him but surrendered without a fight. The place where the two armies confronted each other came be called Thap Phraya (Army of the Phraya).

This was later changed to Phatthaya, which means “the wind blowing from the southwest to the northeast” at the beginning of the rainy season. Today the spelling has been simplified to Pattaya.

And topday the city has moved far away from its historic origins. Though one rues Pattaya’s eventual commercialisation, the city does offer a lot - few holiday destinations in Asia can match the variety of pastimes the destination has to offer - from all kinds of water sports, archery, bowling, horse riding to go-carting, tennis and scuba diving. Also, within easy reach of Pattaya are a score of international quality golf courses, five star resorts, parks, zoo, etc. Over and above all that, the town’s nightlife is legendary.

Though Pattaya’s beaches were what first attracted the expats in the ’60s today they are a jumble of deck chairs and umbrellas. You would have to go to the furthest corners for a bit of peace and quiet. For the perfect beach think of exploring th islands off shore. More than a dozen islands vie for the attention of the daytrippers.

Koh Larn, one of the closest islands to Pattaya is also one of the most popular. Also called Coral Island it is only 20 minutes by speedboat or a leisurely 40 minutes on the tourist boats that leave from the South Pattaya Pier. This island is a centre for water sports: parasailing, sailboarding, deep-sea fishing, diving and snorkelling. But if all you want to do is sunbathe, you’ll find a spot. You can easily spend a day here snorkelling and enjoying the beach. Sightseeing tours in glass-bottomed boats to view coral reefs are a big attraction here.

In the evenings Pattaya explore the bars and as for dining options there are plenty, thanks to the large expat community which calls the city its home. Choose from Russian, German, Italian, Lebanese, French, Japanese, English pub grub, etc. You can also check out the theaters, cabaret shows, night clubs, bowling halls, billiard & massage parlors. Of course there is also shopping both day and night.

Now for the kids who accompany the adults to Pattaya; there is plenty for them to do too. Start with an educational visit to The Million Years Stone Park, which is home to plant fossils over a million years old, 200 year old Thai style bonsai trees, and a rock gardens. The park also has a collection of rare albino bears, elephants and horses, and crocodiles and organize animal shows and crocodile round-ups every day.

If your kids like elephants do take them to the Elephant Village on Pornprapanimitr Road which organizes demonstrations of working elephants daily. A hit with the kids is the Elephant ride. Talking of animals, visit the Sriracha Tiger Zoo with its 200 bengal tigers and 100.000 corcodiles next. It is not too far away from Pattaya and you can go on a tiger safari or opt to cuddle a tiger cub. Another foray into the animal kingdom can be made at the Khao Kieo Open Zoo, an hour or so’s drive from Pattaya.

A sure hit with the kids is the Pattaya Water Park, on the way to Jomtien Beach. The amusement park has all manner of slides and adventure options for the kids. The admission fee is not excessive and is sure to delight every child. Another winner is the Ripley’s Belive It or Not museum. You can spend hours looking at all the weird and wonderful objects from shrunken heads to African voodoo dools. Ten themed galleries featuring unbelivable exhibits entertain. An added attraction here is the Ripley’s Motion Master Panorama Theatre and the Ripley’s Laser Trek where you and your kids can battle it out with laser guns, vests and an area with targets that shoot back.

The naturalist might like to walk around the Siriporn orchid Farm, but I’d take the kids to the Bottle Art museum which has 300 glass bottles containing churches, temples, palaces, and ships, creatd by Dutch artist Peter Bedelais. Mini Siam is worth a visit too. This miniature city has more than 100 models on a scale of 1:25, of important historical sites around Thailand; temples, palaces, etc. Plus models of Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, London’s Tower Bridge and the Trevi Fountain.

Nong Nooch Gardens could be an option if you and your kids enjoy cultural shows and Thai traditional dances. Pattaya certainly offers a broad range of things to do but one of the best ways to explore it during the day is on a motorbike.

Some time ago I came up with the theory that it would be possible to live comfortably in Pattaya for 1000 Baht per day. In order to test it, since 1 January 2003 I have kept records of every baht I have spent, where I spent it and what I spent it on. Now, after two full years, it is possible to analyze the records to either confirm my theory or put it to rest. If you are a retired millionaire or someone for whom money is no object, don’t read on. What follows will only be of interest to the 99% of us with limited resources.

Accommodation: Clean, comfortable, fully furnished apartments, townhouses or bungalows are available in and around Pattaya for between 4000 and 8000 Baht per month. Of course, the further out of Pattaya you live the cheaper the accommodation, but this is offset by added transportation costs to and from the city or the markets. For argument’s sake, let’ say something reasonably handy can be found for 6000 Baht per month.

Utilities: Your electricity bill depends upon your way of life and the charge imposed by your landlord. The basic amount charged by the electric company is around 3.5 Baht per unit but some serviced apartments have been known to charge up to 8 Baht per unit. This is a rip-off. Paying direct to the electricity provider is the cheapest option. You receive a monthly computer-generated invoice and can pay it at any 7-Eleven.

The use of air-conditioners greatly adds to the bill so it would be wise to choose your accommodation carefully. Make sure you get a breeze and plenty of through-ventilation when you open the windows. Unless you like to freeze, a ceiling fan above the bed is adequate for a comfortable night’s sleep and floor fans work well whenever there is no breeze. I have two air-conditioners in my humble home but never switch them on. Consequently, my electricity bill was rarely more than 750 Baht per month.

Water is usually charged at 20 to 25 Baht per unit but you would have to be a fish to go through more than ten units per month. Many places also charge 100 Baht for garbage collection so, all up, your utility bills should come to no more than 1100 Baht per month.

Food: This is up to each individual so if you are into fine dining at restaurants then you will pay the price. If you are budget minded and like Thai food then eating at inexpensive Thai restaurants and food stalls is very reasonable. In my opinion it is cheaper to eat out in this fashion than preparing your own meals but let’s assume you do both. You will need a gas cooker and bottle, both of which should already be installed in your home. One of those large gas bottles costs less than 300 Baht to refill and lasts a long time. I’ve been using mine daily for over a year and it is nowhere near empty. This will require an initial outlay for some pots, pans, plates, bowls, cups, glasses and utensils but all that is very cheap at the markets. I also have a toaster and a hot water jug.

If you buy some eggs, bacon, sausages, bread and butter, that will cover breakfast. Later, if you bought three Thai dishes at around 30 Baht each, it would be difficult to claim you were still hungry. If we say that will cost 150 Baht per day or 4500 Baht per month. Adding 25 Baht for gas, 100 Baht for cooking oil and condiments, 100 Baht for toiletries and cleaning products then rounding up, it would not be unreasonable to say that, for one person, a monthly grocery bill of 5000 Baht is close to the mark.

Laundry: I’m going to make two totally unjustified assumptions here. Firstly, I’ll assume you are an adult male and secondly, I’ll assume that, like me, the method by which clothes are cleaned and ironed is foreign to you. This being the case, Pattaya has no shortage of laundries. It has been my experience that the best value is from those offering 100 pieces for 600 Baht. Some offer 80 pieces for 500 Baht. You make a one-off payment and from then on they simply deduct the number of items in each load from the total. The following day you pick up the clothes washed, ironed and folded. Be aware though that underpants and each sock count as one piece and that bed sheets and towels may count as two. For this reason (and another reason of which all men will be aware), I wash my own underwear and socks. As a result, 100 pieces of laundry usually covers one month and 600 Baht is reasonable for a laundry bill.

That completes what I call the ‘essential’ expenses and we have reached a total of 12700 Baht. Of course if you want to live at that basic level you may as well move into the mountains, become a hermit and make a good job of it. Therefor, we now come to ‘non-essential’ items.

Medicals: Although not really an expense until you get sick, you had better make sure you have sufficient funds to cover treatment just in case. Medical insurance can cost between 8000 and 20000 Baht per year depending on the company and the benefits. For the sake of easy calculation, let’s take an average of 12000 Baht per year or 1000 Baht per month.

Transport: Very cheap if you have your own motorbike or car. I do not, but even so, my use of Baht Buses and motorcycle taxis costs on average no more than 900 Baht per month.

Telephone/Internet: If you don’t have any relatives or friends, this is not necessary. I have a mobile phone and use two cards per month totaling 600 Baht. I use a cheap Internet cafe at 40 Baht per hour. Assume five hours per month on the Internet and the total for Telephone/Internet is 800 Baht per month.

Television: Without cable, the local free-to-air stations are ‘pass me the razor blades’ stuff. Sophon cable (60 channels of utter rubbish) costs up to 350 Baht per month. Add 1300 Baht if you want UBC as well. I have Sophon cable and spend my ‘television time’ sitting with the remote, starting at Channel 1 and surfing up to Channel 60 then back again before turning the television off. That’s my exercise for the day.

Every foreigner also has visa expenses which can be anywhere between 2000 and 24000 Baht per year depending on the type of visa and how many visa runs are required. Assume the worst-case scenario and add 2000 Baht per month. We’ve now reached a grand total of 17750 Baht leaving 12250 Baht in the kitty for ‘entertainment’ before passing the magical figure of 1000 Baht per day.

Thus I proved my theory. For a man living alone and possessing limited vices, a budget of 1000 Baht a day would provide a comfortable living in Pattaya. It would be a different story back home. Being a little over 400 British Pounds, around 600 Euros, a little over 1000 Australian Dollars, almost 780 US Dollars or 4800 Norwegian Kroner per month, it would be lucky to pay the rent.

The author is ‘A fool in paradise’ who writes for the excellent community magazine ‘Pattaya Trader’. It’s free and provides a lot of information for everyone who want to live in Pattaya for a while. Pick it up from one of the several locations in the city.

If you pick up a tourist brochure, or look at a website, or even talk with one of the expatriates who live there, you’ll keep stumbling on the phrase “paradise” used to describe Pattaya. On arrival the casual observer may be a little mystified by this. The beach is rubbish, the whole town is concrete and there’s sleaze on a truly dumbfounding scale. Koh Phi Phi this ain’t. Yet the town has the highest concentration of expatriates outside Bangkok and sees two million visitors every year (second only to Phuket). So what draws people to this seaside resort town, just to the southeast of Bangkok?

Pattaya got its start during the Vietnam War when US used a naval base there and designated the town as an approved R&R destination. Hotels and tourist operators quickly followed and the rest is history. Indeed, the Royal Thai Navy continues to operate the base and sailors can sometimes be seen around town. Basically, its the tourist infrastructure that pulls in the visitors and the centre of town abounds with hotels, restaurants, souvenir shops, bars, phone and Internet cafes, massage places and just about every other vacation convenience conceivable. Further down the coast there are many resorts for those who are on sun-and-seafood holidays, along with wildlife parks and dozens of other activities.

Pattaya is divided into two halves, covering two beaches. Pattaya beach is where the action is, the main night-district being Walking Street. Jomtien is further south and is a nicer beach with more accommodation, and it’s popular with Thai weekenders.

So is Pattaya paradise? Its a party town for sure. No matter who you are there’s something to occupy you, be it paintball, bungee jumping, kayaking or just loafing around getting drunk all day; Pattaya accepts all comers.

Places to crash
There are far to many places to list here. Pattaya’s room prices start at about 300 Baht and go up from there. There are the usual luxury hotels such as the Amari, the Ambassador or the Dusit. Odder exceptions are Hard Rock Hotel, featuring rock star-themed rooms and the Cabbages & Condoms Resort. The popular budget-traveller chain Sawasdee has five hotels in Pattaya town. Generally, the standards are high with even the cheapest rooms featuring TV, mini-bar and air-con, although some of the older buildings can be a little rundown. For a good night’s sleep, avoid hotels next to one of the ubiquitous construction sites, or hotels that offer hourly rates.

Daytripping
During daylight hours activity can be divided into two types: on land and on the water. Life is better out where its wetter and apart from the usual beachside fun of banana boats and paragliding there’s plenty of people to take you diving or on a day-trip to the offshore islands. For the livelier there’s water and cable-skiing, windsurfing and yachting.

On land you could take in the Sri Racha Tiger Zoo (actually 30 kilometres out of town), Underwater World Pattaya (an aquarium in South Pattaya), the Snake Farm or the Orchid Farm (both actually in Chonburi), the local branch of Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum (in Royal Garden Plaza), or shopping, shopping, shopping. If you’re the sport type there’s Thailand’s biggest bungy jump, which is just near the go-cart speedway (South Pattaya). Plus there’s paintball, horseback riding, skydiving and shuffleboard. Needless to say, the landscape around Pattaya is littered with quality golf courses.

Nighttripping
The main nighttime activity in Pattaya city quickly becomes obvious on arrival. If you happen to be a white male in town, a quick stroll around dusk will illicit several invitations for a drink or other offers hat may make you blush or tremble. Beer-bars sprout from every bit of available space in town and there seems to be another acre of them around every corner - plenty of go-go bars around the downtown as well. Two of the more famous clubs and hunting grounds for happy hookers, and the men who lust after them, are Walking Street’s Marine Disco and the Bangkok-based Lucifer’s. If that’s your gig then you’re not alone: Pattaya seems to have the highest concentration of overweight middle-aged men and you may feel out of place not wearing a mullet or moustache. There tend to be a lot of katoeys, or ladyboys, around town as well. Luckily they’re not all picking pockets and you can go to Alcazar, Simon or Tiffany’s cabaret shows for a gender-bending evening. In need of live music? Check out Blues Factory or Climax Bar, both on Walking Street. To stay away from the sleaze, hang out with a member of the opposite sex or try one of the better hotel bars.

Feeding time
If every second business in Pattaya is a bar then every third one is a restaurant. If you’re aching for a taste of home, Pattaya provides some of the best Farang food at far less than Bangkok prices. English-style pubs can be expected to provide excellent post-hangover fry-ups and there are several outstanding Japanese and Korean restaurants. For those Americans among us who long for Mexican food, the Blue Parrot on soi 13/4 is a godsend - great tacos and margaritas, and generous portions of home-made salsa.

Wind in your face
You’ll see songtaews all over town, offering short lifts for 5-10 Baht, depending on the distance and your gullibility. Motorcycle taxis are ubiquitous and about the same as Bangkok prices, around 20 Baht for a couple of kilometres. You can hire scooters and big bikes but unless you’re an experienced rider the traffic will eat you alive.Even so, you can take heart because Pattaya’s medical facilities are the best in the region. Hiring a car usually means a minimum of three days or more, and costs about 1000 Baht per day.

Way to go
Bus: Normal and air-con buses leave from Mor Chit and the Eastern Bus Terminal on Sukhumvit soi 63 regularly. Fares range from 70-90 Baht.
Taxi: Impress your mates by hailing a cab and taking it to Pattaya, a bargain at 1500 Baht with beers and singsongs along the way. You can often bargain for 900 Baht on the way back.

Source for this article is Farang magazine, a must for all young travellers to Thailand. Pick it up at most bookstores in the capital, and at selected shops elsewhere in the Kingdom.

Pattaya lies 150 kilometres to the southeast of Bangkok, less than two hours by road, and stretches for some 15 kilometres along the Eastern Seaboard. Thailands’s largest resort, shares the coast with traditional fishing villages, other resorts such as Bang Saen and Rayong, new industrial centres, the towns of Chonburi and Sriracha, and the port and naval base of Sattahip. Pattaya beach is a palm-fringed, sandy bay with a view of coral islands on the hoizon. Nearby are other cliffs and other bays, while inland, the region is rich in agricultural products including sugar cane, tapioca, rubber and fruit trees.

In the 1960s, Pattaya was just a little fishing village, until a few Bangkok residents began to take their weekends here and generated a modest local tourist industry. Even so, the only hotel of any size was the Nipa Lodge, other accommondation tended towards holiday bungalows and beach huts. The Vietnam War saw the start of Pattaya’s international reputation, for the fledgling resort was used as an official R&R centre for the US forces. They were flown into U-Tapao Airport which was built for American use at the time, and shops, services, bars and hotel accommodation grew to meet the demand.

Pattaya is now a city in its own right, with its own mayor and its own administration. This is not all due to tourism. The government development progamme for the Eastern Seaboard has transformed the region, and this rapid industrial and commercial expansion has led to many expatriates coming to live in the area. There is a new deep-sea port at Laem Chabang, 20 kilometres north of Pattaya with a vast industrial estate, and another development zone at Map Ta Phut near Rayong to the south. Pattaya city is well located to be a major business centre serving these two giant industrial communities. There are five international schools, and four international hospitals in the area.

Fun for all
As a beach resort with city status, Pattaya has something for everyone. Whereas most other beach resorts rely simply on natural surroundings for their charm, Pattaya makes an all-out attempt to provide the best of everything. There is just about everything you can think of for recreation, entertainment, sightseeing and fun. Pattaya can be whatever you want it to be. Such is its variety that it is ideal for all kinds of visitors. While there is plenty to keep the children happily occupied, there is also everything for the sport enthusiastic, for couples of all ages seeking rest and relaxation and for those who are simply looking for warm sunshine.

After-dark, options include open-air bars, nightclubs, cabaret shows and discos. The nightlife centre is south Pattaya, popularly known as “The Strip”, but if this is a trifle brash and noisy for some tastes, there are alternative, quieter spots for evening fun in a more relaxed style. Shopping too, can be an evening attraction. Most establishments close late, and the dedicated bargain hunter can find all of Thailand’s best buys - silk, gems and jewellery, tailor-made clothing, handicrafts and more.

Business venue
Pattaya is an increasingly popular venue for international conventions, conferences and seminars. Several of the larger hotels are fully equipped to host meetings or receptions for a thousand or more people, and even smaller properties offer a range of well appointed function rooms. Complementing the luxury of sheer space is a comprehensive selection of state-of-the-art equipment for audio-visual pesentations and other conference-related activities.

Accommodation
Pattaya boasts an incredible choice of accommodation to suit every pocket. Facilities range from luxury hotels with private beaches to bayside hotels and bungalows, and inland, economy class hotels and guest houses.

Getting there
The easiest and most popular way to reach Pattaya is by bus. From the Eastern Bus Terminal (Ekamai) on Sukhumvit Road there are departures every 30 minutes by air-conditioned bus from 5am until 9pm. The one-way fare is Bt. 90. From the Northern Bus Terminal (Morchit II) there are departures again every 30 minutes from 5am to 7pm with a one-way fare of Bt. 97. Few visitors to Pattaya are aware that the city does have a railway station. It is north of Sukhumvit Road close to the Siam Country Club. One train a day leaves Bangkok’s Hualamphong station at 7am, and takes up to four hours to reach Pattaya, stopping at many stations along the way. U-Tapao aiport, which is located near Sattahip, has very few scheduled flights. Most visitors travelling this way are on chartered flights. Alternatively for those who prefer to arrive with more comfort and style, taxi companies (like for an example Image 5 Star Taxi Company) can transfer you to Pattaya, 24 hours a day.

Getting around
For getting around the main bay area, the baht buses charge a flat fare of Bt. 10 (well, the flat fare is actually Bt. 5 but baht bus drivers has come up with the idea that foreigners should pay Bt. 10. You can try to pay Bt. 5 as you are officially supposed to, but do expect some trouble). The run to Naklua is also bt. 10, and up to Jomtien Bt. 30. Drivers usually ask for Bt. 40 to travel up the hill to the Royal Cliff Beach Resort. Motorcycle hire will cost you between Bt. 150 and Bt. 700 a day, depending on size. Be very confident of your ability to handle the bigger bikes, including your skills in taking swift evasive action. Wear a crash helmet. A jeep from a beachside vendor is Bt. 1000 a day. Check that you have enough gasoline in the tank to get yourself to the nearest filling station, and satisfy yourself that the brakes are sharp. You will not be asked to show your driving licence, but most of these beachside hire places will ask that you deposit your passport with them. Ask where they are going to keep it, because it may simply be placed in the attendant’s pocket or shoulder bag and travel around with him. Bicycles can be hired from beackside vendors at Bt. 100 a day or Bt. 20 an hour. If you prefer to drive reputable vehicles with full insurance cover, and it is strongly adviced, Pattaya has a choice of car rental companies. Two leading names are Budget Car and Truck Rental at Thip Plaza and Avis which is based at the Dusit Resort in north Pattaya. In addition to international standards of service, these companies will also offer special deals, tour ideas, maps and other attractions to make your stay easier. If you prefer not to self drive then there are several companies who offer 1 way/return trips throughout Pattaya or hour by hour hire. They will pickup at your hotel or condo with their door to door service.

Climate
Pattaya has three seasons. November to February, when its hot; March to May, when it’s hot and humid; and June to October, when its hot and wet.

Clothing
Dress as lightly as possible. Because of the heat and humidity, man-made fibres are not recommended. Pack some cool cottons, and if you find you are changing your clothes at an alarming rate you will be able to buy locally made clothing very cheaply. Shorts and sandals are the usual daytime wear. In hotels and the more upmarket restaurants, wear smart casual. If visiting a temple the usual dress rules apply: gentlemen, no shorts please, and long sleeves are preferred; ladies, no shorts, short skirts or halter-tops.

Post and telecommunications
The Post Office and international telephone office are together in south Pattaya on Soi 15, known to all as Soi Post Office. There are also several privately run long-distance phone centres, most notably along Beach Road. These will be slightly more expensive than the government service.

Internet Services
As in Bangkok, the number of Internet cafes seems to increase every week. Most will post their rates in the window, and as competition is intense the prices are invariably low.

Health & Safety
Never drink tap water, don’t even gargle with it. Always use bottled water, which is readily available and inexpensive, particularly if you choose a local brand. The sun is strong, even during the rainy season and where there is cloud cover, so use a good sunscreen and limit your exposure time. Malaria is no threat, but mosquito bites can be a major irritant. Seafood is mostly caught locally and is of high quality, but given the spicy ingredients to almost any meal, the occasional upset stomach is a possibility. The most likely way of slowing down your vacation is by having an accident, so watch your step when crossing the road, even (or especially) at traffic lights and pedestrian crossings. Medicines for minor ailments are readily available at the many drug stores in the city, and a high standard of medical treatment for more serious problems can be expected from most of the clinics and hospitals. General practitioners, dentists, opticians and pharmacies are readily available.

Each of the private hospitals has its own ambulance service and 24-hour emergency facilities. Most medical specialties are represented: neurology, orthopedics, obstetrics, gynecology, pedriatrics, internal medicine, surgery, urology and dentistry. Cardiac patients will usually be referred to Bangkok. Note that an ambulance is not routinely called in the event of an automobile accident, and if you require assistance from the government service a Thai-speaking person should dial 191 in Pattaya or 193 on the highway to arrange an ambulance service.

For information and advice, the Tourism Authority of Thailand (TAT) Central Office: Region 3 (Pattaya) is open seven days a week throughout the year, including public and national holidays, from 8.30am to 4.30pm. Their telephone number is (038) 428 750 or 429 113.

Residents and lifestyles
Pattaya has many expatriate residents, and is essentially an international tourist resort and expanding city, so the Thai population is itself very internationalised. Most notices are in English as well as Thai, and you will find plenty of signboards in German and even Russian. Most vendors are used to non-Thai speakers and are ready with at least a smattering of English or German, vigorous miming, a smile, and an ever-ready calculator. Few of the Thai residents can claim to be native of the locality. Even so, they haven’t abandoned their traditional culture, and beneath the glossy city veneer you will still find evidence of underlying ethnic beliefs and customs.

Action attractions
Pattaya is one of the oldest diving centres in this part of Asia. It has a year-round diving season with good visibility, the waters have a mean temperature of 28 degrees C, and there is a rich variety of marine life and coral. There are also two wrecks which experienced divers can explore: The Bremen, a 300-foot boat, lies upright in 25 meters of water off the Thai navy town of Sattahip, while the freighter Hardeep rests in 30 meters of water in a channel between two islands off Samae San, not far from Sattahip. Pattaya offers a wide choice of well-stocked and safe PADI and NAUI operators, with competitative prices and deals. Most of them have offices along the waterfront. Costs average at about Bt. 2900 per day, including transportation, food and equipment.

Visitors can windsurf, water ski, sea walk, swim, sunbath, snorkel, sail, or take trips to offshore coral islands. They can rent water scooters to explore Pattaya bay, and motorcycles and jeeps to explore neighbouring beaches such as the increasingly popular Hat Chom Thian (Jomtien) just south of Pattaya. Tennis enthusiasts can enjoy themselves at the courts of leading hotels. Further entertainment includes bowling alleys, snooker halls, shooting galleries, archery and much more.

Attractions outsite Pattaya City
Pattaya Elephant Village is on the road to Siam Country Golf Course. The elephants displaying their forestry skills, perform cute tricks, and even play football. There is a daily showtime. Panarak Park is to be found on the same road and has a tropical setting. The park is equipped with fishing gear and a well-stocked lake. There is also bungalow accommodation, restaurants, jogging and cycling paths, boating and water-cycling. Bira International Circuit located at KM14 on Route 36 to Rayong, offers international motor and motorcycle racing. The 2,4 kilometres circuit is ideal for Formula 3 races. If you want to experience speed, the circuit is open every day. Hat Chom Thien (Jomtien), located 2 kolometres from south Pattaya, is good for swimming. The beach has become popular for water sports and activities because it has a long straight coastline and there are less boats anchored in the area. Pattaya Park is between south Pattaya and Hat Chom Thien (Jomtien), and is a water amusement park with water slides, whirlpools and a large pool for children. Open from 9pm to 6am. Nong Nooch Village is about 15 kilometres from south Pattaya, and is a Thai village-style recreation park. The entire area of some 500 acres is beautifully landscaped, with an orchid nursery and other botanical gardens. There are also cultural performances and an elephant show. Wat Yansangwararam is a temple under the King’s patronage. Here meditation courses are offered for foreigners and Thai’s. Bang Saray, a fishing village located 2 kilometres off the main highway at KM164, offers deep-sea fishing opportunities.

Ko Lan, 45 minutes offshore by tourist boat or 15 minutes by speed boat, is the largest of Pattaya’s archipelago. Major attractions include viewing coral reefs from glass-bottomed boats, snorkeling, scuba diving, wind-surfing, skiing and parasailing. There are a lot of seafood restaurants on the island’s main beaches. Deep-sea fishing can be arranged to Ko Lan’s neighbouring islands such as Ko Khrok and Ko Sak. Beyond Ko Lan is Ko Phai, an island currently under the care of the Royal Navy. Visitors are not allowed to stay over night here, but it has fine deserted beaches that are accessible during the day. All the nearby islands are easy to get to and charters can be arranged through your hotel tour desk or by negotiating a price direct with the boat owners. Boat charters cost Bath 1,000-5,000 per day, depending on the season and size of the boat.

The woman in the green-cloth militar shirt was busy playing pool on her computer. I approached her small both on the Laos/Thai border and coughed slightly. She looked up briefly to inspect my visa, pushed it back into my hand, and went back to a tricky shot on her eight ball. Welcome to Laos.

When you get tired of the 90-day visa runs to Cambodia, there is an alternative. Laos hosts many treasures and a visa run to the capital, Vientiane, is an ideal way to kill a few days. My 13-hour overnight bus journey from Sri Racha (40 minutes from Pattaya) to the north-eastern Nong Khai border town cost 450 baht. As we finished the 600 kilometers drive we pulled into the terminal, and half a dozen tuk-tuk drivers began sprinting alongside the bus until it was parked up. After some gentle bartering, one chap agreed to take me to Friendship Bridge for 25 Baht.

Once at the bridge (opened in April 1994) I strolled over to the Thai immigration office and, having filled in the mandatory form, was ready to cross over. Minibuses wait regularly by the immigration point to take people across for 20 Baht. It doesn’t leave until it’s full, and here they have a liberal definition of full. Because I was the last aboard I had to content myself with being squeezed into a small step, along with my backpack, inches from the driver.

At first a collection of shrubbery obscures the view. But after a moment the Thai flags at their side of the bridge can be seen blowing briskly in the morning breeze. The bridge offers views of the Mekong River and small houses nestled against the riverbank. Passing two fading Laos flags at the other end of the bridge, the minibus went through a pair of wrought-iron gates and into one of the ten poorest countries in the world. To enter Laos you’ll need a passport photo and US$30, and in return you’ll receive a 15-day visa. Should you want to stay longer than 15 days, the best place, in fact some say the only place, to extend it is in Vientiane.

With my visa in hand, the next obstacle was the pool-playing woman. Behind her was a smal desk where a man demanded 20 Baht for no apparent reason, and lastly there was another officer who wanted to check my passport. At this point you could of course turn around and get back in your minibus, but having travelled all this way it seems a little churlish.

It’s 24 kilometeres to Vientiane, and transport options are numerous as jumbo drivers wait eagerly outside. Jumbos are the Lao version of songtaews, and are essentially trucks with two wooden rows of seating in the rear. Some of the drivers wanted 200 Baht, but one came down to 30 Baht. The drive didn’t present a country of extreme poverty, some houses seemed positively opulent, despite being stuck between paddy fields.

Once in Vientiane, I found the pleasant Khamkoun Hotel (450 Baht a night) just past the Morning Marked. If you want to be even more central, head for the riverfront. The hotel provided a guidebook, which included an introductory welcome by Somphong Mongkholvilay, the President of the National Tourism Authority. A sombre photo of Somphong looked as thought he was almost scowling at the reader as he growled: “Country of smile and hospitality, Laos is opening its boundaries since for a few years. Laos is willing to welcome you.”

Even if Somphong disn’t feel like smiling, the rest of the brochure was written with togue firmly in cheek. On vaccinations, there was the reassuring: “Hepatitis, Japanese encephalitis: if you have not been vaccinated, it’s to late!” And the wonderful: “Bite from tiger? Very bad, especially in rainy season. You will be comforted knowing that your family is going to get news from you, reading the daily newspaper.” Quite why a dry-season bite is preferable, it didn’t say.

By now it was 9.30am, and I fancied breakfast. At the Mornibg Marked three women competed to sell baguettes and I bought one of the sticks for 20 Baht. It was a combination of lettuce, spicy and sour sauce, pork skin, mayo and home-made ham, and was fantastic. Just down from the marked is one of the central features of the city: Pratuxai, a large arch with obvious similarities to the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. Although it looks impressive, its origins are quite accidental. America gave Laos cement in the 1960s for a new airport, but the government had other ideas and used it to create a victory monument.

Vientiane is a small city, and the only must-see site that requires transport is the national symbol, Phra That Luang. From a distance it seems to be straight from the set of Thunderbirds; a suare base with sharp spear-like shapes guarding a large central missile. It is compelling, if only because it lookes so aggressive. After a look around, a jumbo took me back to the city centre, and the Mekong. Driving down to the river, it was clear many of the houses had a French flavour.

I tried the super-strong Laos coffee on the riverfront before heading to the city’s most famous temple, Wat Si Saket. You could be unkind and say it’s the most famous largely because it’s the only one that wasn’t destroyed by marauding Thai’s in 1828, but that would be unfair. The fact it was spared is largely to do with it’s Thai-style, and today it stands quietly und unpretentiously just off the riverfront. Yellow-stained walls form a cloister around the perimeter. which houses hundreds of smal, bell-shaped niches. These in turn are each home to two small Buddha images. Behind the perimeter, coconut trees form a scenic backdrop.

Inside the main temple are hundreds more niches and Buddhas. It’s a small temple, more intimate and less austere ten many others, thanks to it’s relativly small size and the simple but poignant architecure. Vientiane may lack the temples and attractions o other cities, but it’s a place where time seems to drift by almost unnoticed, and that’s part of the appeal. If you seek true tranquillity, then Wak Sok Pa Luang, a herbal and sauna retreat just outside the city, is the place to go.

Wooden huts and orange robes draped out to dry pointed the way through a small forest towards my destination - a substantial tree house. At the top there were six straw beds laid out ready for massages while to the left was a small room with steam seeping out, and behind that a changing area. Opening the sauna door let out a storm of steam that made it impossible to see where the other end of the hut was. I sat on the first piece of seating that hit my knee and found the room was filled witha pleasant herbal smell, not that different from lemongrass. The massage was just as good. A Laotian massage is gentler than the Thai equivalent, but just as exhilarating.

Fully refreshed, I looked forward to to a night in the big city. We all know evenings in Pattaya offer a wonderful selection ofrestaurants and nightlife. Vientiane is about as far removed from that as it’s possible to get. While most places are shut by 9.00pm, what there is of nightlife is centred on the Mekong. The best solution is to find a small row of Western-style restaurants and pubs where the other tourists hang out, and nurse a Beer Lao until closing time.

A couple of days here will enable you to see all the things worth seeing. Your options then are to head to Luang Prabang, undoubtedly the country’s finest spot, or ro catch a bus back down to Pattaya.

Fact File:
1. The Transport Company runs daily buses to Nong Khai. Call 271-0101 for their regular bus or 279-4484 for the air-con version.
2. If you fancy flying, ring Thai Airways on 260-0070, but you’ll have to complete the journey by road from Udon Thani.
3. If you choose to stay in Nong Khai, there’s Sala Kaew Ku temple to visit which has some odd-looking statues, there is a Buddha Park or there’s the Po Chai day marked.

Pattaya has been in the throes of a building boom not seen anywhere on the planet since Harry Truman decided to level Hiroshima and Nagasaki with a matching pair of atomic bombs to make way for a series of American fast-food franchises and car dealerships.

The upsurge in building began a few short years ago and has accelrated faster then a Suzuki Smash off the lights at South Pattaya Road. Pattaya has cornered the Thai brick and concrete marked and almost everybody seems to be cashing in on this almost unseemly rush to build. Khun Lek, owner of the fastest somdtam cart this side of Sukhumvit Highway, now has a list of properties hanging alongside the papaya salad and seems to be forever fielding calls on her mobile phone from interested parties wanting to check out the latest bargains in Soi Wherethehellisthat. Anybody with a mobile phone, a digital camera and a laser printer seems to be in the progress of hanging out a real estate shingle and looking for customers. At last count, Pattaya had more real estate agencies than beer or karaoke bars. Indeed, down the Soi Healinghands, Khun Noi has spent 100 bath on converting the Nimble Fingers Karaoke and Massage Bar into the Wallet-Emptiers Real Estate Agency.

The question for potential purchasers of real estate is who to trust. Who can you belive? After all, most real estate agents in Western countries have a reputation not much above used car salesmen, politicians and paedophiles. In most countries people need to have done a government-approved course in order to set up shop in the real estate caper, not so here in Pattaya.

Therefor, in the interests of protecting my reader, I have decided to provide a list of the most common phrases employed by real estate agents to advertise their products with an accompanying sentence or two to describe what they really mean.

Build to the highest international standards: We conform to the North Korean Building Code, the Recommended Building Structures Certificate of Burkina Faso and the Engineering Structures of Tajikistan.

Investment opportunity: We are having great trouble selling this ‘dog’ and the stupid owner won’t budge on price.

Recently renovated: If you consider the lenght of time homo sapiens have been walking in an upright position, 1977 is recent.

Beach access: One you cross Sukhumvit Highway, make your way via the little dirt road you’ll see on the left. Keep walking for about 30 minutes and you’ll see a barbed wire fence. Carefully lift the lower strand and crawl through. Turn left and walk for another 10 minutes and there, right in front of yo, will be the beach.

Imported flooring: Illegally logged from the forests of Laos and the backblocks of Bangladesh.

Keenly priced: There’s a sucker born every minute. Some idiot will come along and snap this over-priced piece of garbage up.

Sea views: If you stand on a stool in the ensuite bathroom and look carefully between the two condo towers situated about five kilometres away you will catch a glimse of blue water.

Modern Thai-style home: Chickens and pigs in the backyard, rainwater draining into giant earthenware pots, no hot water, a polluted stream (no more then a trickle) out the back provides daily washing water. Complete with noisy neighbours who tend to start drinking lao kao at about 6:00AM and don’t stop until they’re comatose.

Off the beaten track: In the middle of nowhere.

Classical style: No architect has designed anything remotely like this since Frank Lloyd Wright died.

Natural beauty: Next door hasn’t moved the blasted lawn for about 20 years and there are weeds and vines growing out of control all over the joint. A colony of monkeys also seems to have taken up residece.

Only five minutes from Foodland/Friendship/Lotus/Carrefour: By fast-attack helicopter or Formula One race-car.

Renovator’s delight: A shanty in the middle of a tapioca plantation. One decent bump from a tail-wagging dog and the whole structure will come crashing down around you and look like a giant mound of kindling.

Prestige living: By comparison with te vackstreets of Lagos, Mogadishu and parts of Cairo this is luxury.

Secluded area: No hot and cold running water. Kilometres from anywhere remotely civilised or habitable. You’ll have to walk for 20 minutes before seeing anything resembling human habitation.

Modern flexible design: You want a roof, we’ll put a roof on the house. You want a flushing toilet, we’ll do that as well. You want a bedroom and a living room, we can accommodate your wishes. Just add a few zeroes to the asking price and your wish is our command.

24-hour security: OK, cut him some slack, the poor bastard has to sleep and eat sometime.

Any similarity between the above collection of marketing adjectives and the advertising used by most of the real estate companies to sell their products in Pattaya is purely intentional (and tongue-in-cheek).

By: Duncan Stearn.