Double standards?
Two teachers from Bangkok’s Sai Mai district have been jailed for 50 years after being found guilty of sexually abusing five young girls.

Lon Soragnit, 58, and Pimol Sunsri, 49, raped five students aged between seven and eight in the school’s classrooms and at one of the defendant’s homes.

It’s a shocking case of abuse of trust, from people who are supposed to educate children, not molest them.

I know how keen Thai authorities are to ensure the safety of students (usually by forcing foreign teachers to produce their life history before being employed).

Still, now that these predatory teachers are safely behind bars, we anticipate background checks on all Thai teachers.

After all, whenever a foreigner is accused of stealing a packet of crisps from seven-11 a full-scale investigation takes place. Remember the nutter from America who claimed to have killed a young beauty queen, only for the police to insist all the evidence said he hadn’t? He turned up in Thailand and, the minute he was deported, background checks were carried out on teachers’ qualification. The American happened to be perfectly well qualified, as it happened, he was just weird.

Now, the Thai authorities are apparently going to ask for criminal background checks (which seems a lot wiser). There’s little wrong with doing checks, but by the time all the investigations are complete, many good teachers may well have found work in Vietnam or Malaysia.

Jobless handouts for all
We all know that unemployment in the UK has dropped over the past few years. Some may well think that it’s because more people are working, but we of course know better. It’s largely because the government will go to extraordinary lengths not to classify job-shy layabouts as unemployed.

One way around this is to say that they’re ‘incapacitated’. Incapacitated, in this instance, means bone idle.

The Department of Work and Pensions dishes out 70 billion baht a year to folk who suffer from such ailments as ‘tiredness’ and acne.

Officials have to deal with 2,000 folk whose problem is obesity, more than 1,000 have sleep disorders and 50 get cash because they have acne.

So, these folk are fat, lazy and have spots. Surely there’s work for them at Burger King?

Beer, beer everywhere…
Here’s the good news – some beer in the UK is now cheaper than water.

And the bad news – that’s only because water is bloody expensive.

Supermarkets are now filling their shelves with own-brand brew. This is a fair bit cheaper than the fancy bottles of water filled by pixies up in snow-capped Narnia that companies try and flog to gullible health freaks.

Naturally, the idea of cheap beer has outraged health gurus, who moan that it encourages people to drink more.

But surely it’s those that go out and buy water for two-pounds who are the ones losing their minds, not those who just want a cheap drink.

Teacher in Muslim ‘teddy’ row.
English teacher Gillian Gibbons probably didn’t think there was much danger in asking her class to give their teddy bear a name.

But the 54-year-old ended up nearly being flogged after one student suggested the bear be named after himself – Muhammad.

Ordinarily not a problem, but unfortunately Gillian was in Sudan, where the prophet Muhammad is revered. And so it was that a jobsworth secretary went running off to the local zealot, who promptly had Gillian arrested.

Gllian, from Liverpool, was arrested and hauled before a court for inciting religious hatred.

Sudan probably didn’t count on the international outrage that followed, and was soon trying hard to defend its stance. After a visit by some high-profile British figures, they eventually saw sense and released the techer.

There seems little point in pointing out the ridiculousness of the case, but it’s sadly another example of how a Muslim country can make a mockery out of a religion far more than Gillian ever did.

My favourite person of 2007 has to be Maurice Fox.
Maurice, 77, was booted out of his social club for breaking wind too loudly. Poor old Maurice didn’t go quietly though, and bravely tried to explain himself.

Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in south-west England asking him to step outside whenever nature called, or trumpeted in his case.

Maurice protested: “It’s only a little bit of wind — it doesn’t really hurt anyone. I sit by the door anyway and try to get out when I can. But sometimes it takes me by surprise and just pops out.

“I think someone has complained about the noise. I am a loud farter, but there is no smell.” He added the odour had improved vastly since he gave up cider and took to drinking Bass.

As though that wasn’t more than enough information, Maurice wasn’t finished yet.

He was amazed that no-one else had thought to complain at the other club where goes twice a week, but conceded those who had moaned may have a point.

“I do not think it is unreasonable, you get ladies in there,” he said.

“The ladies find it a bit rude but the men have a chuckle. My wife died seven years ago and I live on my own so I might have lost a few social graces. But I was surprised to get the letter from the committee.”

To add to his troubles not only is his little problem now the talk of Kirkham, but it’s also made international headlines. Bless him.

I came over a couple of jokes I would like to share with the rest of you. The first one is about beer and the second one about a Irish prostitute. Well, here they are:

Ahhh Guinness

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: “In ‘Strylya, we make The best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate.”

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: “In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud.”

Hans steps up next: “In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke.”

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: “Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks.”

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over Their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: “Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?”

Paddy replies “Well, if you fookin’ pansies aren’t drinkin’, then neither am!

Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Dad….I became a prostitute.”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…. (takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and….”

Interrupting her, the Dad asks, “Now what was it ye said ye had become?”

The daughter, crying again,….”A prostitute, Dad!” Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! BeJesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!”

Hangovers have been a curse on the human race since before the beginning of recorded history. But modern science, along with building nuclear bombs and MP3 players, has dedicated some serious research time to the subject.

The Cause – For light to moderate drinkers, it takes about five to seven drinks over about five hours to bring on a hangover. Hangovers can be made worse by drinking on an empty stomach, dancing, not having had enough sleep, being dehydrated, and so on. The science of hangovers is myriad. One of the big things is the diuretic effect of alcohol. Once you start drinking, you urinate more than you consume. To make it worse, you also pee away salts like potassium, plus vitamin B and C, which work together with the liver.

Alcohol also breaks down the liver’s store of glycogen, an important energy source. This is one of the reasons you feel so worn out and clumsy the next day. Cogeners, a toxic in alcohol, cause several of the more severe hangover symptoms, are present in varying concentrations, depending on the type of booze. Generally, the darker the liquor the more of it, so lean towards clear liqours like vodka, white wine and gin.

The alcohol metabolism process also creates a toxin called acetaldehyde, chemically similar to vinegar. This is attacked by the enzyme dehydrogenase and a substance named glutathione, which are only effective for the first few drinks, explaining why six or seven drinks are no big deal, but 10 drinks multiply the hangover intensity by five times.

So that’s the basic science. Let’s move on to our hangover reduction program.

Before – Eat dinner. This slows down alcohol absorption. Fatty food are good for this. Food also decreases stomach irritation, reducing the likelihood of throwing up. Drink water. Make sure you’re hydrated before the diuretic effect kicks in. Take multivitamins. Concentrate on water soluble vitamins B and C for your liver.

During – Sip, don’t gulp. A drink per hour is about as much as the body can process. Drink a glass of water with every drink, and throw in some rehydration salts as well to boost the salt and sugar you’re losing. Don’t mix. Different types of alcohol force the body to readjust the chemistry to cope, ultimately increasing hangover severity. Try not to drink cheap stuff. Higher-priced alcohol is brewed and distilled more carefully to reduce the nastier by-products. Many of the big name distilleries and breweries have hundreds of years of experience and know what keeps the puntes coming back.

After – Before bed take two aspirin (NOT Paracetamol), which inhibit prostaglandin, another hangover toxin. Knock back a couple of glasses of water with some vitamin B and C tablets.

In the morning – Take two more aspirin, and toss in a few more vitamins to keep up the toxic purge. Eat breakfast. Eggs contain cysteine, which works against the chemical skinheads, have a banana and/or rehydration salts for the potassium, and fruit juice for the fructose. Skip the coffee and tea if you can. They are diuretics and only exacerbate water loss. Drink water. Keep knocking it back and sit around and watch TV. By sunset, when the phone rings and one of last night’s friends invites you out again, you’ll be good to go.